Forgiveness: The puzzle wrapped in an enigma

Few things are as misunderstood as forgiveness. Our understanding of it is usually confused and confusing, and much of what we are told is simply wrong. And reading what the Bible says about is – as in the two passages above – sometimes raises even more questions.

In the first passage, about Jesus on the cross, we are simply amazed at the generosity and graciousness of the forgiveness he extended to others. Even the criminal hanging from the cross beside him received a loving and forgiving response. We are in awe at this, and struggle to really grab the sort of grace that Jesus demonstrated.

Then we come to the second passage, which actually took place earlier. Wow. What’s this “handed over to the torturers” and “do the same to you” stuff about?

It seems that the first passage tells us – perhaps among many other things – that God’s forgiveness and grace come to us with no preconditions of performance or action on our part. The thief simply asked Jesus to remember him. Implied in that is a recognition that Jesus was who He claimed, but his only direct words to Jesus were the request to “remember me.” God offers us the same grace: As we simply say, “Lord, remember me,” it opens the gates of his grace and forgiveness toward us.

The second is a parable, of course, and like many parables, it has figures of speech and wordplays that are lost to modern English readers. However, the point is clear: We are to forgive as we have been forgiven. This is not the only place where Jesus says this, nor is it the only place where He says that when we refuse to forgive, we risk not being forgiven ourselves. “Forgive as your have been forgiven.”

Let’s look further at this puzzle.

Forgive and forget? No.

There are perhaps two aspects of a Christian life that are most troublesome for most of us: self-control and forgiving. Since we are, by coincidence, talking about forgiving, let’s take a closer look at forgiveness.

Now, those who remember Paul’s “fruit list” may be confused at this point, so we should assure you that you are correct: Forgiveness is not listed in Galatians 5. However, in the similar list in Colossians 3, forgiveness is emphasized, especially with the command in verse 13: “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” This echoes Jesus’ words after giving a model prayer to his first followers (Matthew 6:14-15), telling them if they forgive those who sin against them, God will also forgive their own sins. But if they do not forgive others their sins, God will not forgive them their own sins. Because of this, I am including forgiveness in our list of the patterns of the Spirit’s fruit. I believe forgiveness is foundational.

“Salvation” as presented by Paul is above all relational: It is about being reconciled in our relationship with God and equally reconciled with each other. Lack of forgiveness prevents growth in relationship. It hinders us both vertically and horizontally: with God and with brothers and sisters. If we do not deal with the issue of forgiveness, the relationship is crippled, and the work of the Spirit is hindered. There is not true community, but only an appearance of community. It is a sort of pseudo-community that really means little. Unforgiveness causes aloneness to continue, even while people are together.

Putting it simply: We cannot come into a mature, fruitful Christian life if we have not addressed this area. We either learn to forgive – both others and ourselves – or we stagnate. Forgiving is the only way to be fair to ourselves. Getting even is a loser’s game. Those who want someone who has hurt them to pay – to suffer a fine or prison time – find that they still have the pain and resentment even after the person has been found guilty and is serving the sentence. Why? Only forgiveness stops the reruns of sin. Freedom comes not from the sentence the offender receives, but from what we do about the hurt in us.

People are pretty resistant to this, however, and our hesitancy is not hard to understand, when we consider that forgiveness involves giving up our right to demand justice from one who has hurt us.

Everything in us cries out against this. We are hurt – and rightfully outraged – and we are asked to tell the offending person, “I forgive you for causing the pain I feel. I will not hold it against you.”

Even when the offender does nothing to acknowledge our pain. Even when the offender acts in a way that aggravates the pain! I gotta be kidding, right? This really is tough stuff to hear.

Part of the reason we have so much trouble with forgiveness is that we misunderstand it. Forgiveness is not saying, “Oh, that’s okay. It wasn’t important.” The fact is that we have been hurt, and it’s not okay! Forgiveness is never about fluffing over the offense, acting as if it never happened. “Forgive” is biblical; “forgive and pretend” is not. The “path of least resistance” is not God’s way. On the contrary, forgiveness – true forgiveness – requires that we acknowledge the reality of the pain. We need to emphasize this: We hurt, and it’s not okay!

Forgiveness is when, in our pain, we tell the offending person that we willingly give up our right to justice. When we forgive, we are not saying that the hurtful action is without significance, and we are certainly not saying that we have not been hurt. Nor are we saying we respect or even necessarily like the other person. The offense is significant, and our pain is real, and the offender might callously hurt us and others over and over. We have a right to expect justice. Nevertheless, we renounce our right.

Why in the world…

But why would we want to do that? Why would we want to end the possibility of justice when everything in us cries out for it? Why forgive, especially when the offender is unrepentant, and perhaps even continues the offense? The answer is simple: We forgive because we must. We must because God commands it (Matthew 6:12, 14-15). We must because we cannot expect God to forgive us when we do not forgive others. And closest to home, we must because if we choose to not forgive, we let the hurt and the wrong actions of another become controlling factors in our life. Not a good idea, right? We don’t need or want that. Forgiveness is a first and necessary step to freedom and healing.

So, we forgive primarily because God requires it of us. It is an act of obedience. But following as a close second – and this may be at least part of God’s motivation – we forgive so that we may be set free. That’s a pretty good start. And a possible side result might be the beginning of freedom for the other person, also.

Okay, a good point, but still…

Even with great logic, it’s still emotionally difficult for us to really want to forgive one who has deeply hurt us. There is something in us – something good – that cries out for justice. Someone should make things right, and whoever’s job it is, he or she needs to get at it, now! Our desire for justice is a deep-rooted part of us, and an essential factor in living in a civilized society.

Where does this desire for justice come from? It seems nearly all of us have it. Could it be that it’s a part of the deep longing in us for significance, the desire that someone recognize that our life and the hurt done to us really matter? For someone to suggest that we easily forgive someone who has done us great harm is to say that our pain – and therefore our self – is insignificant. It devalues us, saying that we don’t matter.

But that’s not what God thinks about it, and not what He expects from us. It’s not what He models for us, nor is it what we should do. Let’s take a look at where God is coming from in his own experience of being deeply hurt:

He created a man and a woman to live in a wonderful place of intimate love with each other and with him. Such a deal, right? We should all have it so good (Genesis 2, 3).

They rejected him.

Then, after many years of not showing much promise while living on their own, they had fallen into a slavery that was cruel beyond our imagination. So He rescued them and told them they were his special chosen people. He also made an agreement with them, and said that if they lived up to it, they would be blessed beyond imagination (Exodus-Deuteronomy).

And again they rejected him.

For hundreds of years, He came after them, wooing them, encouraging them, cajoling them, seeking their return to the relationship (Prophets).

Still they rejected him.

The prophet Hosea graphically illustrated the deep burning passion of God for his people who, like Hosea’s wife Gomer, were whores, running after this harlotry and that depravity. Hosea took Gomer back, on one occasion even buying her – redeeming her – out of slavery. And God took his people back – pursuing them, redeeming them, rescuing them out of their bondage. And He did it again and again, each time they wandered off (Hosea).

And yet they continued to reject him.

Finally, God took the ultimate, unthinkable step: He became a man – something utterly beyond our understanding – condemning himself to death, all to redeem a people – who largely did not care. (Gospels)

And we rejected him.

We rejected him then and we reject him now. Yet He forgives us.

Only when you are forgiven by God, free from the guilt of your own acts of rejection, can you live with a life filled with unretaliated wrongs, knowing they are God’s to take care of. When we are forgiven and forgive, we begin to experience true freedom, not caring what the score is, and who offended whom.

It’s an important point to remember: God is the one who settles the issue of justice – for the offenses of others against us, and for our offenses against others.

No small thing

When God asks us to forgive another who has sinned against us, He well understands that He is making no small request of us. He understands all too well the pain and injustice of it all. He understands – though it’s hard to conceive – our sense of insignificance. After all, we are the focus of his love, and yet we are masters at ignoring him and pretending He doesn’t exist. We have thousands of years of practice at it (Genesis 3:2-6; Judges 2:10-13 (this theme is reported over and over in the book of Judges). Hosea 4:6; Romans 1:18-32; Hebrews 2:1-3).

God understands all too well, and still tells us to forgive others as He forgives us. Why? Because without forgiveness, there is only bondage, there is only unceasing pain, there is no place for healing (Matthew 6:15). Forgiveness is the first step to freedom (Revelation 1:5). Forgiveness is also a necessary step toward eternal life, which is not an unending continuation of this painful and difficult life (Revelation 21:1-7). Who wants a forever of this? No, eternal life is in intimately knowing God, and living in the glory of his presence (John 17:3).

Simply saying “I have forgiven you” doesn’t make it so…

When is forgiving not forgiving? Have you ever been approached by someone who has deeply offended you and who now lightly asks for forgiveness, and you hesitantly say, “Yeah. It’s okay.” And you blow it off, like it’s no big deal? Most of us have been there at least once, right? We are trying to avoid a painful situation and to be polite in the whole situation, and so we lie.

In truth we have not forgiven, because forgiveness means release, and just tightly smiling and saying it’s okay or it’s nothing means the hurt has been neither recognized nor released. It’s not forgiveness, it’s avoidance, trying not to deal with the real problem.

We have all done it, but when we do, we are being both unwise and unfair to ourselves and to others involved. By acting in this way, we guarantee that the relationship cannot be healed, and neither can we. What they say is not true: Time does not heal all wounds.

Yet, it may be that we have good reason to avoid the incident. It may be that, at the time, we are simply unable to go where we need to in order to work through the process. That’s understandable and entirely okay for the time being, though this is a time when a wise counselor may be helpful. It’s not okay as a regular practice or an avoidance tactic. Someone else in our life who is mature, trustworthy, and biblically grounded can help us to walk through some hard places where we can’t go alone (Galatians 6:2).

When forgiveness must be my private step

When I have been offended, forgiveness necessarily involves more than just me. But sometimes it is unwise and unfruitful – perhaps even dangerous – to go physically to the offending person. And sometimes, going might even be impossible: The offender may be long gone.
Paul writes of the fruit of the Spirit – like most of what he writes – in the context of the community of believers. We do not grow in isolation. Farmers tell us that when they plant corn, putting the plants close to each other in a sort of cluster gives a much better crop. The plants need each other for pollination. Like corn stalks, we need each other for a kind of “cross pollination.” This is especially true as we consider forgiveness. We need each other to work through the problems and challenges we face in both giving and receiving forgiveness. This cannot be over-emphasized: There are no Lone Rangers in the Kingdom of God, and those who try to make it so only condemn themselves to a small and circumscribed life.

So what do we do in those cases where we have been grievously harmed by another, but we cannot go to that person to grant forgiveness? It’s important that we truly forgive, but for any one of many reasons, we sometimes can’t do it face to face.

This is where the “each other” comes in, a place where a wise counselor is invaluable. When we cannot deal with the offender directly, it is still important that we deal with the offense, for the sake of our own freedom and wholeness. So a wise, trusted counselor or friend can stand in the place of the offender. We can explain as much as we think wise of the background, and then speak forgiveness of the offending person, but to the third party. A trusted friend can often help us by being a “proxy” for the offender.

Forgiving is a process

Forgiveness is easy in the many little slights that happen in every life as a matter of living. However, in many cases – the “biggies” where we have suffered serious trauma – forgiveness is not at all a quick, easy, event. It is, rather, a process. Not all issues of forgiveness fit into a neat, black and white, either-you’ve-forgiven-or-not kind of a picture. Some of the deep-seated pains, especially those that have gone for years unaddressed, need to be forgiven in stages. You may intentionally and sincerely forgive, and then later when the same person hurts you again, all the former pain wells up and you realize you have not fully forgiven. Or you are in another situation that has some similarities and the intensity of your emotional response to that makes you realize that you have not fully worked through letting go of your first pain. When you discover that, you need to recognize and address the pain again, acting in order to forgive at a deeper level.

There will come a moment at some point when you are in a similar situation, and you will realize that you no longer carry the strong emotion from that time you were hurt. It is at that time that you can give thanks to God for having gotten you fully past the pain. Meanwhile, He sustains you through the process.

Sometimes the layers of hurt are many and stubborn, but it is certain that their number is limited, even in the hardest of problems. The layers do not continue forever. And it is certain, too, that God walks with us through them all. Especially in the cases of huge pain, forgiving is a process that may take a lengthy amount of time before realizing full freedom. But in the end there is indeed freedom, and the end is worth the trouble.

Forgiveness is a process, and sometimes it’s one that must be undertaken slowly. If we encounter a situation in which we feel the hurt flare up from a pervious injury, we have likely gone too rapidly through the process, and have not really gotten the benefit we need. We should not be afraid of time: Forgiveness is often a struggle, and some days are better than others. One saying captures it: “Some days I whup the bear, and other days the bear whups me.”

Knowing you have fully forgiven

When you have completed the process of forgiving, you will often notice three changes in yourself (Based on Charles Stanley, The Gift of Forgiveness, p. 132-133.):

1. Your anger toward that person will disappear. Feelings of anger and resentment will be replaced by feelings of concern or empathy.

2. You will find it easier to accept offending people as they are, without needing to change them. You will have a new appreciation for the situations of others that may have caused them to act in hurtful ways.

3. Your concerns about the needs of an offending person will outweigh your concerns about self-protection. You will be able to better concentrate on him or her, rather than on your own needs.
Sometimes it takes a lot of effort over a long time to get to this place, but it is indeed a sweet place to be.

Deep forgiving in Germany
from Christian Schwartz, The 3 Colors of Love, p. 100-101.)

In 1989, The Wall came tumbling down. It had separated the two Berlins – East and West – since 1961. For decades, East Berliners seeking freedom were unable to cross to the free western part of the city. In the early days a few found ingenious ways to escape, but with each new escape – some brutally thwarted – the communist authorities strengthened the wall, eliminating the weak spots. With the fall of the communist regime, East German dictator Eric Honecker – the man responsible for building the wall 28 years earlier – was deposed. Since the state had owned all their property, Honecker and his wife were left destitute and homeless.

An East Berlin pastor, Uwe Holmer, took the Honeckers into his home and offered them hospitality. At the time when public hatred of this personification of brutality was most intense, the Holmers set an example of forgiveness.

The Holmer family had themselves been victims of communist oppression. Under the regime, children of families with church affiliations were often refused admission to the upper grades of high school, making it impossible for them to qualify for a college education. Eight of the Holmers’ ten children had been treated this way. Despite superb grades, all were refused opportunities to continue their education. Amazingly, Pastor Holmer said “yet we hold no bitterness in our hearts, because we are followers of our Lord and have forgiven.”

Was Pastor Holmer always so able to forgive? No. There was a time when he held grudges. “For years it has been the forgiveness of my Lord that has sustained me. I know that my Lord wants me to forgive others. When you’ve lived under forgiveness for a long time, it’s not so terribly hard to forgive others.” In fact his ability to forgive surprised even himself. When the Honeckers stood before him at the entrance of his house, any past grudges had vanished.

Others were not so forgiving. Pastor Holmer was severely criticized for his decision. One prominent American church leader said of the Holmer’s action, “I just don’t understand it. All Honecker deserved was to be executed.” During the two months the Honeckers lived with the Holmer family, the pastor’s home was almost constantly surrounded by angry citizens, waiting – some with great anger – to get their hands on the deposed dictator.

Despite the siege of his home, Pastor Holmer could understand these people as well. “I especially remember one man who said to me, ‘I spent 15 years in prison, I was condemned to death.’ His wife stood next to him and said, ‘You cannot imagine what I’ve been through under this regime. You should not forgive so easily.’” Holmer responded, “What you say really strikes a chord in my heart. You have suffered much more than I have, and I have not forgiven Honecker in your place. But still I ask you: Do you have any alternative to forgiving Mr. Honecker? If you don’t, the poison of bitterness…will remain in your heart and will never leave you in peace.’” The man then admitted, “You’re right, there is no other way. I want to forgive, too.’” Ulmer noted, “In the first place, my forgiveness for Mr. Honecker has nothing to do with Mr. Honecker, but with me. If I do not forgive their sins, how can I expect my Father to forgive my sins.”

Those two months helped Pastor Holmer understand Eric Honecker, less as an evil man and more a man affected by the circumstances of his life. Holmer said, “I see him as a communist who came from a working class family that had been through very hard times. For him, Christianity was identical to exploitation…so becoming a communist was a logical step… Later he was arrested by the Nazis and spent ten years in prison. Finally, he was freed by the Red Army. From his perspective, it was his comrades who had freed him.”

Yet understanding the man is not the same as sympathizing with his actions. Holmer made it clear that forgiving Honecker did not come from sympathy with the old political system. Nor did it include excusing injustices. Forgiveness is not pretending, by excusing it, that evil is harmless. Nor is it accepting what is absolutely unacceptable: being indifferent to evil.

This kind of forgiveness witnesses to the power of the Spirit. The communist party replaced Eric Honecker with Egon Krenz as the head of the state. He stated, “Once again, it is the church that teaches us a tolerance that we as Communists are not capable of.”

Be easily forgivable

I have written primarily about our need to forgive others, and that is, indeed, our focus. However, all coins have two sides, and the back side of this one is that we all, sooner or later, need to be forgiven as well as to forgive. I have touched on that earlier, and want to address it more now.

When our actions cause pain, and we go to the other person seeking forgiveness and reconciliation, we want a positive response. Everyone does. We want the freedom and reconciliation that forgiveness can bring. But that doesn’t always happen: Sometimes forgiveness is withheld.

One reason may be that the offended person simply will not let go and forgive, no matter what we do. If we come seeking forgiveness and encounter that response, there is little we can do but manifest a loving, gracious manner, and pray that God would soften the heart of the other person. And the fact is, God doesn’t hold us accountable for the actions of others. I am accountable only for myself.
But what about when I am the “other person” and I have not gone seeking forgiveness, but in fact have been confronted? What about when I am the one who has caused offense, and when the person I have hurt comes to me. What to I do? I am in no position for offer forgiveness, right? I “did the deed” in the first place. So, in fact, what I need is not to forgive but to be forgiven.

There is more than one way things can proceed from this point. What actually happens now depends on my response to the other person’s expressed hurt. What do I say, and how do I say it?

Looking at it from a little distance, we can see that when we have been hurt and muster the courage to confront someone else, telling that person of our hurt, we may get one of several responses. One is humiliation: “Give me a break. That little thing bothered you?” Another is the tit-for-tat response: ”Well, that’s nothing compared to what you did to me.” Most common is the defensive response – hurting was not my motive: “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I was just trying to…”

These responses are painful and hard to accept. They devalue our pain, and it is tempting to react with anger. They personally diminish us.

But there is a better way, of course, and it is especially important to consider this when I am the one confronted for insensitivity or even outright hurtful behavior. Rather than a response of defensiveness or denial of my actions or motives, I can accept responsibility for my actions and seek grace and forgiveness. I can make myself “easy to forgive.” This is part of a good approach for followers of Jesus: “Quick to repent and easy to forgive.” This is also part of being a mature person.

I could write much more about this subject, which is one of the most important in the life of a Jesus follower. However, my purpose here is to address forgiveness only as it pertains to living a fruitful life. And so I will look at only one more aspect of forgiveness – but a very difficult one: the hard cases.

Forgiving the one who is hardest to forgive

Think carefully about your life for a moment. Who is the one person most difficult to forgive? Spend some time on it; don’t jump to quick conclusions.

Got it? Well, let’s open the envelope then, and see who the big winner is!

It’s…oh, no! It’s…me! No, that can’t be right! I’m not like some of those other people I know! I’m not one of those who rip and tear and wound others!

But yes, it really is true: Of all the people in our life that we may need to forgive, we have the most trouble forgiving ourselves. And part of the reason we sometimes find it so very difficult to forgive others is that we have not dealt with the issue of our own forgiveness.

Here’s Christianity 101: God loves us, and He forgives us of all our sins. We acknowledge that. But do we really believe it? If we truly believe that God has forgiven us of our sins, why do we find it so difficult to forgive ourselves of those same sins?

Ray Anderson, in his book The Gospel According to Judas imagines a “what if” situation where Judas did not kill himself right after his betrayal of Jesus. In Anderson’s scenario, there was a post-resurrection encounter between Jesus and Judas. Judas, the ultimate betrayer, the one whose name has become synonymous with treachery, meets the One whose Name stands for everything opposed to what Judas did and stood for. If they met, what would Jesus say?

“Judas, come home; all is forgiven,” says Anderson.

Anderson says that what killed Judas was not that God would not forgive him. There is nothing in scripture to suggest that Judas’ betrayal was somehow inherently terminal, a sin unforgivable by God. It was…how can I say it without making it less than it was…it was “just” a sin. What killed Judas was not that God would not forgive him, but that he would not forgive himself. What killed Judas was not his guilt before God, but his shame before himself.
In consequence of any betrayal, says Anderson, there are two factors to deal with: guilt and shame. Guilt is a “legal” concept that concerns one’s transgression against another. It is simply a fact. A wrong has been committed. It can be addressed by forgiveness on the part of the offended one. As the offended party offers forgiveness, and the offending party accepts forgiveness, the way is opened for reconciliation.

Shame is different. Where guilt is primarily other-directed, shame is self-directed. The shame we hold in us cannot be resolved by forgiveness from another. Shame we hold in us can be resolved only with forgiveness of ourselves by ourselves. And this is of great importance, because unresolved shame leads to death. It is immensely destructive, perhaps more than anything else we can do to ourselves.

Anderson says:
"Removal of the penalty of sin through death upon the cross is only too often experienced as a partial atonement. Our atonement is not complete until we experience restoration of our being, and the removal of shame as well as guilt" (p. 24).

We need the full benefit of what Jesus did on the cross. We don’t need a partial atonement, one that does nothing for the most destructive part of our selves. We need to be forgiven, and to forgive: both others and ourselves. But talking about self-forgiveness and doing it are two far different matters, right? Especially in this case.

But what of times when we are ashamed of ourselves because of the accusations of others, or even because of our own self-perception? Do we forgive ourselves for shame felt because of the actions of another? Well, no. First, when we feel ashamed of ourselves – truly ashamed, not simply embarrassed – from the actions of another, we are buying someone else’s lies.

It is certainly possible for someone else to embarrass us. But the only reason we will be ashamed is if we believe the accusation made about us. Someone saying something that we believe is not true may embarrass us, it may anger us, but it will not shame us.
The difference lies in what we believe. If we believe the accusations, we will be shamed. If we do not, we will not be shamed. An here is an important principle: We will not believe about ourselves what we don’t already think is true. If someone says something about us that we believe inside to be untrue, there will be no shame. If we are genuinely experiencing shame, the only remedy is to experience the truth: the profound, amazing and passionate love of God for us. It is to see ourselves as God sees us. But that’s not always so easy, right?

It happens most readily in community. It is in the fellowship of mature, wise, like-minded followers of Jesus that issues of both guilt and shame can be addressed, and that forgiveness of others and forgiveness of ourselves can begin. And if we hope to have a life of fruitfulness, a life enjoying the work of the Holy Spirit in and through us, the issue of forgiveness must be addressed. We can there address our forgiveness of others who have hurt us, and of ourselves, who have hurt us.

Forgiveness and injustice

The question is sure to arise that as we are encouraging forgiveness of wrongdoers, are we not are at the same time encouraging acceptance of injustice? The answer is that we are not. We are indeed renouncing our own right to seek justice, but we are not saying that the injustice is okay. Rather, we are deferring to God, the ultimate judge, and releasing the matter in the knowledge that – in the end – nobody walks away from committing unjust and oppressive acts without consequences. God is still on the throne, and there is still justice. Always.