• John Randolph met a personal enemy in the street one day, who refused to give him half the sidewalk, saying that he never turned out for a rascal. "I do," said Randolph, stepping aside and politely raising his hat. "Pass on." - Russian River Flag, Healdsburg, Calif., June 4, 1874.

• The Indiana Editor's Thanks. An Indiana editor lays down his shears for a few minutes to write a double-leaded editorial in which he plaintively remarks: "We are the recipient of half a peck of nice onions, two watermelons and a bottle of ginger beer from one of our subscribers. The gifts were like the shadows of a rock in a weary land. We are glad some one remembered us in the midst of our labors and cares, and evinced that remembrance in so delicate a manner. We doat on onions and love melons dearly, and so long as the fragrance of the former and the gripes of the latter linger about us we shall hold the kind donor in remembrance. These little acts inspire us to renewed exertions, but our subscription price will remain the same." - Daily Oregon Herald, Portland, Sept 10, 1872.

• "What would you do if mamma should die?" she pathetically asked of her little three-year-old daughter. "I don't know," remarked the infant, with downcast eyes and melancholy face, "thpose I should have to thpank mythelf." - The Silver State, Winnemucca, Nev., Apr 3, 1877.

• An Old Maid Badly Foiled. - A Phoenixville maid, quite old, becoming anxious about her matrimonial chances, recently concocted a plan to deceive a young fellow as to age. This was the way she tried it: The old family Bible contained a faithful record of all births, marriages and deaths. Ths volume the maiden took to her chamber, and selecting the birth-page, she managed by dint of scratching and writing to change the date of her birth to a period eleven years later than when it had legitimately had been recorded. Then the Bible was placed on the sitting-table in a conspicuous manner. That evening along came the lover. He soon began to finger with the Bible pages, and finally reached the birth record, where and when he discovered, to his surprise, that his Angelina was just one year younger than himself. He thought it strange, as she appeared older. He kept his mouth shut, and continued to fumble over the pages. Next he began reading the death list, and made the astonishing discovery that the radiant maiden, acording to the Bible, had actually been born ten years after the decease of her father. The young man quietly arose and bid Angelina good-bye, and now swears that "eternal vigilance is indeed the price of liberty." - Pottsville Miner's Journal. - Daily British Colonist, Victoria, B. C., Sept 29, 1874.

• In an old English primer the whole edition was printed with the omission of the letter c at the beginning of the last word in the third line, as follows: "When the last trumpet soundeth We shall not all die; But we shall all be hanged In the twinkling of an eye." - Sacramento Daily Union, Aug 31, 1871.

• That wasn't a bad idea of Sam Slicks, when suffering from intense heat, he said he felt a desire to take off his flesh and sit in his bones awhile to cool himself. -Daily Evening Transcript, Boston, May 26, 1853.

• The stewardess of the Plymouth Rock tells of a romantic young lady who ventured out too far at Rockaway Beach and nearly drowned, but fortunately was rescued and given in her charge. On coming to her senses the young lady declared she would marry him who had risked his life to save hers. "Impossible," replied the stewardess. "What, is he already married?" "No." "Wasn't it the handsome young fellow who was bathing near me in the surf when I became unconscious?" "No, 'twas a Newfoundland dog." - Oregon Sentinel, Jacksonville, Ore., Dec 27, 1876.

• "Ma," said baby at the supper table, "I know why this cake is called angel cake." "Do you?" replied the mother without much interest. "Yes; it's because it's made by an angel. That's what pa told the cook." - New York Sun. - The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., July 27, 1887.

• Reporters are often unconsciously satirical. A morning paper says in an obituary: "Mr. Jones was an exemplary citizen. He lived uprightly; he died with perfect resignation. He had been recently married." - The Modoc Independent, Alturas, Calif., Feb 5, 1885.

• The Leadville Chronicle tells of a man who escaped with his life from the Indians. The man who escaped without his life hasn't yet been reported. - Santa Clara (Calif.) Journal, June 19, 1880. • Dropped Dead. - A Detroit paper, noticing the fact that a man lately dropped dead while combing his hair, says; "And yet there are people who will persist in this dangerous habit." - Oregon City Enterprise, Oct 23, 1874.

• "If I were in California," said a young fop in company, "Instead of working in the mines, I would waylay some miner with a bag of gold, knock out his brains, gather up the gold and run." "I think you would do better to gather up the brains," quietly responded a young lady. - Bedrock Democrat, Baker City, Ore., Nov 6, 1872.

• -A smoker presents his open cigar-case to his neighbor on his right. "Thanks, I don't smoke." He then turns to his neighbor on the left. "I don't smoke; much obliged." His wife whispers in his ear: "Are you going to offer one to the captain?" "No, love; he smokes-I know he does." - Christian at Work. - The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., July 27, 1887.

• William M. Evarts, at a public dinner lately, told this good story on himself: A few summers since, at the urgent request of one of his youngest daughters, he sent up to his country place in Vermont a donkey for her use. She had read about donkeys, but was not familiar with their peculiar vocalism. The animal's strange noise inspired her with the profoundest pity for his evident distress. So she wrote to her father: "Dear Papa - I do wish you would come up here soon, my donkey is so lonesome." - Amador Weekly Ledger, Jackson, Calif., Mar 28, 1874.

• The man who thought he could grow wise by eating sage cheese was own brother to the one who believed he could live on the milk of human kindness. - Boston Budget. - The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Sept 1, 1886.

• The advertisement of a Western stone-cutter reads: "Those who buy tombstones from us look with pride and satisfaction upon the graves of their friends." - Daily Morning Oregonian, Portland, Jan 29, 1875.

• A couple of reporters spent the night in a cell with a man who was doomed to be hanged in Connecticut recently, and in the morning the prisoner was perfectly willing to die. - Santa Clara (Calif.) Journal, June 19, 1880.

• There is a Connecticut widower who declares that nothing reminds him of his poor, dear wife so much as to live within earshot of a sawmill during a busy season. - Daily Morning Oregonian, Portland, Jan 5, 1875.

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